Sword Dudes Are a Thing and I also’ve Had Intercourse with of these

Sword Dudes Are a Thing and I also’ve Had Intercourse with of these

Example: Laia Arqueros Claramunt

Its per night in April 2013, I am also going to enter men’s West Hollywood bedroom after the second go out. This people’s bedroom is a basement, and, walking on the grey carpeted stairs I think of the pivotal line from 2007 movie


“very few folks have basements in California.” I’m not sure what sort of person would choose to hole right up in a basement, but once We enter this man’s, We see a slew of weapons: a cane sword, a few daggers, a Freddy Krueger glove.

This people’s cellar room is simply plagued by guns. In the place of switching about and strolling out like many men and women would when up against a lot of in private owned guns, I go, “is a Klingon Bat’leth?” As this is actually myself now. You will find acknowledged my personal fortune as Hana Michels: girl Exactly who Fucks most of the Sword Guys. (As far as I can tell, a Sword chap is a guy which accumulates swords, prices swords, or has previously made use of the expression “respect the blade.”) We spent 36 months of my life with a guy who owns a Klingon Bat’leth. And a cane sword. And a Freddy Glove. And several daggers. Indeed, should you experience a sword guy in a huge seaside area, you should know that I’ve had sex with him.

I honestly think there’s really no better demonstration of sexism in our culture than the undeniable fact that we talk about pet women although not sword guys (and I you should never suggest to disparage either). That is even though the change to the sword-guy life style is swifter: a lady really needs, let’s say, above three kitties before her pet ownership becomes a lifestyle statement and individuals deem the girl a “cat girl.” However, if some guy only mounts one katana on their wall surface he could be saying, “That’s all, this is exactly me personally now.” However we never talk about sword men?

We used to imagine this is because blade dudes just can be found from the Coasts, and also in center The usa “sword guys” tend to be “gun guys.” But my sword-guy stand-up material moved over well in Arizona this present year, and many regarding the sword dudes i have installed with have already been transplants which got their unique swords together with them on their journey to either Coast. Plus, sword-demo YouTube films seem to be filmed everywhere as well as the sword
appears popular through the world. Sword dudes are a proper course of individuals — we just are not making reference to all of them. We feel cat females have actually “given right up,” but a man whose bed room is full of tools still is super-inviting. Trust in me, because we seemingly see them super-inviting.

It’s not possible to just identify a blade man about street (unless you’re me), because sword guys don’t possess many unifying characteristics. Unlike “gun dudes,” sword dudes don’t seem to have any political opinions in common, unless “swords tend to be cool and I like cutting right through plastic bottles” is actually a political perception. You may presume all sword guys are nerds, but this is simply not true. They could be nerds, they might be jocks, they may actually a hybrid of the two.

Sword guys aren’t always personal outcasts, both. They just have actually buddies who happen to be cool with going out around a number of swords. Typically, they truly are meet white guys enthusiastic about Japanese society, but this isn’t a rule: My ex using Bat’leth had not been (though he had been entirely a white man with black colored framed cups, considering that the best consistent of the sword guy is strictly exactly like the consistent from the Zodiac Killer). In fact, the single thing I am able to say sword men share isn’t nurturing if the dates they buying think they are a serial killer. Additionally, they like swords i suppose.

Unlike you, i could recognize sword men without ever having seen their particular swords. Not long ago I installed with an individual who’d heard my sword-guy laughs and mentioned, “Don’t worry, We have no swords. BY THE WAY LISTED HERE IS A BIT OF SHARON TATE’S FIREPLACE I JUST ACCIDENTALLY HAVE.” You know Sharon Tate! From CHARLES MANSON MURDERING HER! God, please allow me to go back to sword men.

If you’re likely to screw a number of blade men it is advisable to understand which sword men are now actually well worth screwing. I determined a hierarchy of sword guys and it also goes below:

Man with replica swords from pop-culture situations he likes.

He is fairly cool. He could even generate these swords from scrape for cosplay functions, that is an actual ability. I’ll simply take a Star Trek Bat’leth over a QVC katana any day. This guy understands what the guy likes and he’s never apprehensive with the thought of having to show it. Fuck yeah.

Guy with normal swords.

Every guy with a typical sword begins with the exact same “limited release” (notice: “limited release” means absolutely nothing) QVC/eBay katana. Katanas are the Bulbasaur of blade getting, this guy would like to end up being a real blade grasp. He may or cannot make YouTube demonstration movies inside the Karate Gi while playing unknown metal songs.

Guy exactly who keeps a dagger under their pillow for “protection.”

RUN, operate, operate, RUN USING THIS GUY. In addition if this option worry about protection such WHY DO THEY DO NOT HAVE CONDOMS?

After starting up with a bunch of sword men I made a decision I’d better start checking out sword-guy culture. An excellent place to start discovering sword guys should type “my katana sword” in the YouTube look club. There are many techniques from sword unboxing, weapon-collection overviews, to the best: guys cutting situations inside their backyards, once more, typically over material songs. There is no shortage of white men in Karate Gis right here. Some video clips show individuals testing and hammering their own swords to let people know if they truly are an advisable buy. Although I not witnessed a sword guy in fact use their sword for far from decoration, ALL OF THEM PREPARED TO. And they’re going to tell you as such. Prior to creating on.

You will see the casual sword lady in your sword-guy video look. Don’t study her opinions. If there is a very important factor I discovered sword society, it is that blade ladies are entitled to better than the YouTube commentary they get (and that white folks are enthusiastic about Japanese weaponry). Another way to discover more about sword-guy society is to see an inordinate amount of QVC. I would suggest carrying this out from a hospital sleep, which means you don’t feel bad about watching an inordinate number of QVC. Take note that, as a bit of good sword guy will say to you, a lot of the swords on QVC tend to be overhyped. But that’s the nature of QVC and that is why is it so fun to watch from the medical center bed and/or California cellar room packed with weapons.

The greater amount of I delved into an internet sword-guy rabbit gap, the greater amount of I recognized the world of sword folks is simply too diverse and I also haven’t any hope of unifying and understanding it, regardless of what lots of sword men we meet. Every sword guy is different. Even though some undoubtedly have actually dreams of keeping damsels in stress and you ought to seriously keep away from those people, other individuals just think their particular swords look cool, or are actually into

Game of Thrones

. Some swords are holdovers from youth, others tend to be lifelong selections.

I have been doing a number of sword-guy jokes inside my stand-up act for more than per year today and much more usually than perhaps not some guy pops up for me after the tv show and says “that is myself!” or DMs myself a photograph of their sword. These guys are incredibly thrilled to comprehend they are not alone. And aren’t. The world of sword guys is varied, but every sword guy shares a common record. Simply because they’ve all had intercourse beside me.

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